Today, London would have been eight years old. MJ is almost five. Although MJ never knew London, she will forever be a part of our family’s story. She has impacted this world for the better in so many ways and I need her brother to understand that. I have not said much to MJ in terms of Baby London in the past, but now that he is older and able to understand more, I feel like he is ready. This is a little about how our conversation went.
While driving to the Field Museum for our special family day I asked, “MJ, do you know what today is? Why it is an ‘off day’ from work and day care and we are spending the day as a family?”
“No.” MJ simply stated.
“Well, today is Baby London’s Birthday. She was born before you, but she died. She is your sister. You have another sister named Mary Ella that was born before Patrick. So, we have six people in our family but only four live at our house, because two live in Heaven. What do you think about that? Do you have any questions?”
“What is died?” he inquired.
“Died is when you don’t need your body anymore. Your soul is what is most special about you. It’s what makes you, you. When you die your soul goes to Heaven” I explained.
“When your friend goes to Heaven you don’t get to play with them anymore” MJ said sadly.
“No, you don’t” I replied, trying to keep it simple and clear.
“Why can’t you stand in Heaven?” MJ asked.
“Stand?” I responded, confused.
“Yeah, why can’t you stand in Heaven? Why do you only need a face in Heaven?” MJ clarified.
(Clearly ‘soul’ is still a little too abstract of a term for MJ to understand so I just went with it).
“Because in Heaven you don’t need a body. You only need a body to live on Earth. Do you know what Earth is?” I asked.
“A planet!” MJ proudly answered.
“Yes, it’s a planet God made with air and water and land.”
“And don’t forget tigers!” My cat loving boy added.
“Yes, and tigers too.” I confirmed.
Getting off track MJ demanded, “This is taking too long! Are we there yet?”
I checked my GPS, and smiled as I saw our ETA. “We are 21 minutes away; did you know that 21 is a special number for your sister? And whenever you see 21 it means she is with you.”
“But I don’t see her” MJ said confused.
“Well sometimes in your dreams you can see people in Heaven” I offered.
“Are you making a joke?” MJ demanded defensively.
“No, I continued, dreams are special like that.”
Feeling like there was one more special point I needed to make I added, “When London died it made Mommy and Daddy very sad for a long time. It still makes us sad because we miss her so much. We will always miss London. But do you know what makes us happier than anything? You and your brother. You make us so incredibly happy!”
MJ seemed to shrug this compliment off with that same “yeah, yeah, I know” attitude of a child who has already heard this compliment nightly for the past five years.
I wonder if MJ will ever fully comprehend what he means to us or the happiness he has brought into our lives. He is the best big brother to Patrick and lately I have found myself giggling every time he absorbs a stereotypical “oldest child” syndrome. He is so responsible and loves brushing his brother’s teeth or washing his brother’s hair. But the thing is he’s not the oldest child, at least he wasn’t supposed to be. It makes me wonder what he would be like if his baby big sister was able to be his big girl big sister. That is an answer we will never know, but now at least, he knows a little more of our family story.
