“To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
During today’s Sunday Sermon Father Mike Schmitz points out that when a couple says their vows, there is no way of knowing what they are saying yes to, only who they are saying yes to. The same can be said of our life following Jesus. Just as our marriage life might not be what we expected, our spiritual purpose may not be what we bargained for. Bargaining, that’s another thing us Catholics are good at.
When my daughter London was dying in the hospital, I had my expectations, and I tried my bargaining because I thought I knew best. I expected God to reward my virtuous life by saving my daughter with a recovery so miraculous the medical world would have no way of explaining it other than divine intervention. This was my going to be spiritual purpose in life. My family would be a global phenomenon, inspiring millions to return to the faith. I also tried the traditional Catholic bargaining during our hospital stay. If London lived, she would only attend Catholic school, we would never miss a Sunday service, in short, we would become the poster family of Catholics. Spoiler alert, God didn’t agree to those terms.
I think the hardest part of losing my daughter was the shock to my expectations, and that shock almost destroyed my faith. Fr. Mike Schmitz warns that expectation is a killer of joy, a thief of peace and robs us of God’s presence and I am living proof of that. I was so angry for the position God had put me in and so jealous of everyone else living in the position I wanted, that I was incapable of accepting reality.
It is absurd how quickly we as humans can lose our faith in God. Take one deviated expectation and that will do it. It is almost comical because essentially, we are declaring, “I, with my finite knowledge as a human, know better than God, in His infinite wisdom as creator of the universe.” Talk about over-inflated egos.
A better example comes from Father Walter Ciszek who served as a missionary in Russia for 23 years. In 1929, as a Jesuit priest, Fr. Ciszek felt as if God were calling him directly when Pope Pius XI requested seminarians relocate to Russia. Although Fr. Ciszek said yes, when he finally arrived was quickly regretting his decision as his reality vastly differed from his expectations. (And this was before Fr. Ciszek experienced the solitary confinement and Siberian labor camps). During this time, he expressed his dissatisfaction to God, “It’s not fair. I never thought it would be like this. I simply cannot stand it. And I will not stay. I will not serve.” Eventually, as he kept praying, he found the grace to trust in God’s design and in turn gives us one of the greatest lessons in understanding the will of God.
“The sole purpose of living is to do the will of God and not the will of God as we expected it, not the will of God as we wished it would be. But rather the will of God that God has envisioned for us and revealed to us each day in reality.”
My reality is not what I thought it would be when I said those marriage vows. My husband and I have had to pivot our expectations of what we dreamed our family would be. I will say though there is something very freeing in giving up control to God. I had always hated the whole “Give it God,” conversation until recently because I thought it assumed that the individual would be rewarded with a result meeting their approval. Now I realize it’s all about rejecting expectations and accepting reality, a stance that would benefit us all.
Bottom line is this: if we are so wrapped up in negotiating our purpose with God, we might miss out on it. Remember it’s not what you are saying yes to, it’s who.