At this year’s annual Walk to Remember event, in honor of infant loss, I found myself overcome with jealousy, but a good kind of jealousy. I say good because it moved me closer to God. As I listened to our opening speakers regale Jessica, our hospital’s Perinatal Support Coordinator, I realized that this woman is exactly where God wants her to be. Her impact on grieving families is without measure. I sat in awe thinking about the ways God must have led her to this very point. Then I asked myself, “Am I exactly where God wants me to be?”
I resolved to pray for purpose. To put me where God wants me, lead me to achieve the most good, aka help me help God. There has just been one problem with that so far, something has been holding me back. Fear. Fear as to what God’s plan might have in store for me. Apparently, I only accept God’s plan for me if it aligns with my standards. If you are familiar with the book of Genesis, you understand just how dangerous this mindset can be.
One of the Bible’s greatest accounts of faith comes from Abraham at Mt. Moriah. As the biblical narrative goes, God orders Abraham to sacrifice his only son, Isaac. Just as he is about to comply the Angel of the Lord stops him. Abraham is rewarded for his obedience to God.
Honestly, this story never sat well with me. Perhaps because I know I could never do it. Ask my husband. I love my boys so much, I sit up at night, elated with the joy they bring me, unable to fall asleep I’m so happy. If I were put in Abraham’s position, there would be no number of Confessions that could save my soul from the reaction I would give to God. Alas my fear in surrendering to God’s will. Myself, yes. My kids, no.
They say God doesn’t work by coincidence, and today I knew God was talking to me as I listened to the second reading at mass, Hebrews 11: 8-19 (aka the Abraham and Isaac story). I have not been attending mass as often as I should, but clearly God was pulling me in this morning, telling me I needed to dig deeper into this story.
Unfortunately, I, like many Catholics, am not up to snuff on my bible study, especially the Old Testament. So, I took some time to learn more about the man known as the Father of Nations. Long story short, what I think makes this unsettling story a bit more palatable is the fact that Abraham never truly believed his son would die (or at least not remain dead).
Mt. Moriah was not Abraham’s first rodeo with God per say. At this point Abraham and God had already had a very intimate relationship of 35 years. During this time God has spoken to Abraham, manifested Himself physically to Abraham, and has protected Abraham from famine, war, and relocation multiple times over. Since God had previously promised Abraham an exceedingly prosperous future through a child he would produce with Sarah, it would make no logical sense that God would allow said child to die. In fact, just prior to sacrificing Isaac, Abraham tells his servants, “Stay here with the donkey, while the boy and I go over there. We will worship and then come back to you.” (Genesis 22: 5) Would Abraham have said “we” if he didn’t believe Isaac would somehow still be with him?
Although God asked Abraham something unfathomable for any parent, Abraham was not just any parent. Often referred to as God’s best friend, the amount of religious responsibility this man bore was insurmountable to us living today.
So, all in all, I think it is safe to pray to God for purpose. For unless God and Abraham are having some sort of falling-out of their friendship up in Heaven, I don’t find it likely that God would challenge any of our faith in quite the same way. Still nervous? Just remember Deuteronomy 28: 2 “All these blessings will come upon you when you obey the voice of the Lord, your God.”