Two days shy of the end of Lent, and I finally made it to confession, it’s a good thing I don’t procrastinate much! Realizing the time, I yelled for my husband to watch the baby, and searched for my notes. Confused, my husband asked me why I had notes. I exasperatedly explained to him that I had to go through my examination of conscience and write down the Act of Contrition because I did not have it memorized. (Little did I know they would have a cheat sheet in the confessional!)
“What are you going to say to the priest?” I remember during grade school confession days everyone would be whispering this question to each other while we waited in line. “Oh, you’re going with the disrespect your parents thing? That’s a good one. I think I’ll say I fought with my siblings.”
Some people don’t believe I’m an introvert, and as I sat in line for confession holding myself back from starting conversations with the people around me, I guess I can see why. “Excuse me, how does this work? Do we just start reciting the Act of Contrition on our own or wait for the priest to give the go ahead?”
When it was my turn, I cautiously slid into the room, careful to hide myself behind the screen, and spoke quietly so my naturally loud teacher voice didn’t drift into the waiting area. The priest had a soft, gentle presence and it was not at all scary. As I returned to pray my penance, I noticed an interesting book on the kneeler. Did Jesus Really Rise from the Dead? I took it as a direct sign from God I was supposed to read this book. That maybe somebody purposefully left it there as a “pay it forward” type thing. I felt very special. Until I left and realized it was probably a misplaced book from the display at the entrance which you are supposed to pay for. Wait, did I just steal? Do I need to go back to confession? Don’t worry, I wanted to use the Lord’s name in vain right there, but I restrained myself.
I must say, it is a very exquisite experience to sit in the church without the hustle and bustle of a mass. You can relax and listen to the music playing or have the Virgin Mary statue all to yourself, it’s actually very Zen! So maybe the sacrament of reconciliation is about more than just sins. Maybe sitting at home, telling our sins straight to God, wouldn’t give us the same satisfaction. I mean my husband did tell me I was “glowing” when I got home, so there is that.
To me holding in our sins reminds me of binge drinking in college. You know if you could just purge yourself, you would feel so much better, but you can’t bring yourself to do it. At least if you are like me, you will resist vomiting at all costs. However, if and when you do throw up, you feel so much better and ask yourself why you didn’t do it earlier! Sins, like alcohol, are toxins in our body. Ideally, we shouldn’t commit them to begin with but the more we do the more we need absolution for the health of our faith.
I think most Catholics drag their feet when it comes to confession, but ultimately the anticipation is so much scarier than the act itself. Just like the crude, previously mentioned metaphor.
The thing about the Act of Reconciliation is, the more you do it, the more acutely aware of your sins you become. Hopefully that awareness leads to less sinning. Although I’m afraid some of my major vices such as jealousy and inhaling potato chips might require a bit more work in self-restraint. It’s a good thing I’ll be back to confession, I mean I did steal that book and all.