Before we really get going, I want to get one thing out of the way first:
I DO NOT THINK I AM SPECIAL.
Since this week’s theme in our Hallow App is “Humility,” this topic only seems fitting.
I bring this up because one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they are “special” of sorts. Those who think that God is rewarding them for their service through their success and lack of pain. Those that ponder why they waste so much time worrying when God always provides and ultimately makes sure everything is ok. I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t work like that, and you are not special.
Perhaps I am so jaded on this subject because I remember a very specific time when I thought I was special. With my perfect baby girl sleeping inside, I tied a ribbon around a tree in honor of a child who had passed. I felt so lucky to have a healthy child completely ignorant to what was upcoming. I felt so proud of myself for supporting my community. I let myself feel special, and I’ll never make that mistake again.
Since losing our precious baby girls, people have told me of sorts, “You have two children on the other side, that’s so powerful, they will guide you!” This often leaves me feeling anxious whilst I scramble to think about what my purpose is. If I do have all this help coming from upstairs and I waste it, what does that say about me?
So, I often do pray to my girls to not only lead me in my purpose but to make me cognizant of what they’re leading me towards. To pay attention, to be open to their signs. Yesterday when I got the idea to write about this topic, I was saying a decade of the rosary in the car. Thank you, girls.
As excited as I was to write again something was in my head telling me not to.
I have frequently been told through my life that I care too much what other people think. That proves true here as in my number one reason for not writing is simply my fear of appearing pretentious. That not only is my writing not good enough, but people will judge me as someone who thinks her not good enough writing IS good enough. She must really think she’s special!
During today’s prayer segment, Jim Caviezel spoke about his hesitation to play the role of Jesus in the film, The Passion of the Christ.
“You know, God doesn’t always choose the best, but I realized that he had chosen me.” Jim Caviezel
That line has helped calm my nerves. The notion that I am not writing on this topic because I think I am the best, but simply, it’s what I am supposed to do. Maybe this is what the girls are drawing me towards, maybe its one step in a process of many, and most likely it will never know why.
Just to reiterate, I still don’t think I’m special, just a girl stress eating potato chips, serving as a vessel for her daughters’ words. Because after all, I’m not special, but they are.