Yesterday marked my daughter London’s would be 7th birthday. My mother-in-law begged me to write something as I did following her death for so long. The documentary of my grief journey of sorts. I told myself I didn’t have the time, actually fearing that I no longer have the inspiration. Although with London’s birthday this year falling just the day before Ash Wednesday, it seemed like a sign of what I should write about.
There is a conversation my mind repeatedly goes back to. A woman of faith, a mother in pain asking me how I’ve kept the faith after losing two children now. I replied with a half-hearted laugh and simply said “I haven’t.” The statement was part true, part comic relief.
PI know it kills my mother that I no longer go to church, but there have simply been too many times that the readings, the homily have missed the mark. In turn I leave church angry and spiteful that the one place that should aim towards comforting those most in pain, failed yet again.
The other day I was told my goddaughter was fighting attending Religious Ed. In her battle with her parents, she retaliated with a defiant, “Aunt JuJu wouldn’t make me go!” Hearing this I laughed and said she was probably right. Half joking, I said I instead would have made her pinky-promise to play Ave Maria at her future wedding, then take her out for a cake-pop while we discussed my own version of religious ed. Not a bad deal if you ask me!
The truth is I really WANT to keep my faith. I am just struggling to find a way in which the church coincides with the entity my pain has morphed me into. My steadfast devotion was lost when I buried my first daughter. My catholic school innocence gone. No longer naïve enough to believe in the power of prayer, at least not the way I originally had.
So ultimately, this Lent, my goal is to reignite my faith. As part of Mark Wahlberg’s Hallow App Pray40 Lent Challenge I will write about my daily observance of this religious season. Not because I think I am special, or an expert or that anyone besides my mother-in-law cares to read it, but because writing is my therapy and my release. Plus, the pressure of a daily post deadline will keep this procrastinator in check! Afterall, I do my best work under pressure!
To be continued…